His Smile
by pherion
Summary: Step into the world of a young and depressed girl with bullies facing her, a bright dairy; to keep her on track and to let her feelings in out, a dark voice in her head; who says she should give up, and a crush on the most popular guy in the school; who probably doesn't know she exists.
1. (1-5)

**(1)**

**August****21st.**

**Dear Dairy,**

**School started a week ago. I'm in the same group as him.****He looked at me today. I got goosebumps al over my body and my face was became red.**

**It was not just a quick look, no. It was a stare.**

**But they soon went gone again, because she was clinging onto him again...**

**I don't blame her for doing though. I mean, I love him too and if I would be popular, I'd do the same.**

**'If I were to be popular, how would my life have looked like?' Is something what I wonder many times.**

**My mom was yelling today again. Like, I never do things right...**

**I saw a knife today at school by the way...**

**Got thoughts again.**

**~ Sakura**

**(2)**

**August****22nd.**

**Dear Dairy,**

**As you know I let the knife alone yesterday at school.**

**I touched it today and put it in my hands to feel wat it felt like.**

**Questioning myself why I touched it.**

**Questioning myself why I didn't let go of it.**

**Questioning myself why I didn't do more.**

**I think I'm lucky I sit at the window in class.**

**Or not.**

**When I freak out from my thoughts I could look outside.**

**Or jump...**

**But that won't do. Then all the others will get involved.**

**I hope that he will notice me one day.**

**He.**

**Oh yeah, he smiled at me today.**

**My heart began to pound like crazy and goosebumps down my spine.**

**Then he turned and started to walk to the guys and Ino flew him around the neck again, same with four other girls I don't know.**

**Noticed Deidara-senpai wasn't at school. Though he isn't my best friend, I****_can_****talk pretty well with him.**

**I guess you'll be shocked hearing Deidara's name, but after he had to senior year again, and all his friends ended school, he became quite a nice guy.**

**Just like that one time I was left alone in the classroom and Deidara forgot his artist stuff so he came back to get it. He saw me sitting with my head on my arms on my desk, walked over to me and asked what was wrong.**

**He saw me crying.**

**I don't mind though, because he's a nice guy. He said I didn't had to explain why I was crying and gave me some advise of how I'll pull through.**

**Do you actually consider this as friends?**

**~ Sakura**

**(3)**

**August 31st.**

**Depressing.**

**Ino bullied me today.**

**She slapped me across the face because I 'sat on her bench' during lunchtime. As if her name was standing on it.**

**Home alone right now.**

**Sitting on the couch in the living room.**

**Feeling like standing up and walking to the kitchen.**

**Grabbing a knife...**

**Making an end...**

**An end to all of it.**

**~ Sakura**

**(4)**

**September 15th.**

**Dear Dairy,**

**Today Dad said I didn't do my best at school today.**

**He wants to see As, but I only get Bs.**

**He isn't satisfied with just Bs. I barely get Cs and if i get, it's almost no dinner for Sakura.**

**I do get dinner then though, because mom being the 'good mom' she is, said I had to eat otherwise I'll get just as thin as Ino which she doesn't want.**

**So much for the child****care.**

**It's a miracle they don't abuse me...**

**~ Sakura**

**(5)**

**September 27th.**

**Dad slapped me. Sent me to my room.**

**Mom came upstairs.**

**We argued.**

**She also slapped me across the face.**

**They abused me.**

**_They abused me_**_._

**~ Sakura**


	2. o n e

_**[One]**_

_November 17th_

_Dear Dairy,_

_I wish I just could end it already. _

_But I don't want to. _

_I just can't do it. _

_Wishing it would stop._

_But it won't._

_I'll be here crying in my pillow again. You can't talk back. You ain't real._

_I am still wishing I could do something to make you real…_

_I will name you. That will make it a little more real and personal I guess._

_~ Sakura._

"Sakura! Get over here right away. Don't sit all day on that room of you!" Dad calls. I wonder what it is this time.

"I'm on my way!" I yell back.

"Dinner is ready and if you won't be here in five seconds you won't get any!" Mom yells.

Right. It's already been six o'clock. Dinnertime.

First I'll get a sermon from Dad, and after we've thanked for the food, Mom will ask about my school, I'll say I got an A- and they both will be disappointed in me. Yay me.

"Good evening, Mother, Father." I say

"Good evening Sakura." Mom says back.

Mom is sometimes nice to me. But when she's getting pressure from Dad, she's having a hard time being nice to me.

I guess Mom has having a hard time being herself lately. That new job she's got is also really pressuring here. When you say; 'Yeah my Mom's a vet,' It doesn't really sound exciting or hard at all. But the way I see it doing things with her, I can tell it's really hard.

She's more than just a vet though. She is really saving those animals. But that doesn't matter.

Dad's the best military in town. I guess that's why he's so harsh on me sometimes.

"Sit down and eat." Dad says. Alright then. Tomorrow school again, so I guess I'll have to sleep early again too. _Yay_.

I am getting waked by my alarm. I slam the snooze button and fall asleep again.

Ten minutes later I'm woken up again by the damn alarm. I turn it off and go in my normal morning ritual. Go downstairs, eat, go upstairs, put on my uniform, do my hair, put on my favorite red headband, brush my teeth, go downstairs again, pack my schoolbag with lunch and head to school.

When I enter school's ground, the first thing I see is Tenten (3-3) grabbing Ino (2-3) who was hanging around Sasuke with a bunch of other girls…

This little pitch of jealousy is following me in my head every time I see that happen.

I look around a little. The popular guys, Naruto (2-2), Shikamaru (2-1), Chouji (2-1), Kiba (2-3), Neji (3-3), Lee (3-1) and even Kankuro (3-2) and Gaara (2-3), are standing in a group. Sasuke (2-3) is walking towards them after Ino let go of him. Shino (2-1) is looking for bugs again. Sai (2-2) isn't with them. I guess he is still sick… Having migraine or something like that again.. I see Sasuke is looking around and his eyes fall on me. He shoots me one of his infamous smile.

My heart skips a beat. Oh my goodness did Sasuke Uchiha just smile at me? Just keep normal…

I see Hinata (2-2) sitting on a bench, alone. She's looking at the guys. I guess I could join her, but she's also one of the popular girls, the kindest and nicest one though, so I don't know if she'll like having me there next to her.

Okay never mind. Ino and Tenten are already walking over to her. Wait, where is Temari (3-2)? Shouldn't the most populair girl be standing next to her boyfriend, Shikamaru?

Whatever. It's not like I'm jealous at her for having a boyfriend or being the most popular girl or something.

I look around and see Deidara-senpai (3-3) standing against the schoolwalls. He's okay though. Only a little obsessed over art, that's all. He's become a lot nicer since he's the only one left on that little group _Akatsuki_ they had. He's now in the same year as our President Neji, Lee, and Tenten. Deidara is in the same group as Neji and Tenten.

The buzzer is going and we should head inside. I'll wait and go as last person.

I'll stay put on this bench. If nobody is coming to bother me, I won't bother anyone too.

"Sakuraaaa." A screeching voice is calling my name in the second period of our class, 2-3. That could only be one person…

I look up to only see I was right. Ino Yamanaka was standing in front of me. Why did they put me in the same group as her?

"What." I ask. It wasn't realky a question, I stated it more as a sentence.

**A sentence of dead touch.**

"Stand up." She screeches at me.

"Why." I say back calmly. I ain't going to stand up.

"That's my seat you know."

"Last time I checked, it didn't have your name written on it." Woah. Since when did I have the guts to say that?

"Don't you just sit there so you can watch Sasuke's back?" Sasuke is sitting almost in the front of the class. And, yes, I can see him perfectly. But no, I do not look at him.

"No." I say without hesitation, without stutters. Really, when did I became so brave?

"Just admit it already that you're head over heels with him." Ino says.

I start to shake in my chair and my eye twitches. That girl makes me so mad.

Yamanaka bends down and brings her head closer to mine. "Sa-su-ke." She whispers with pauses in my ear and my eye start to twitch. "Just so you know…" She speaks. "… He's mine." She whispers and grins.

**Stay cool Sakura. Keep your cool. **

I look around and see the whole class watching.

**Are you gonna do it, Sakura? Do you have the guts to say it?**

"He's yours, yeah? Why aren't you together then? Why keeps he rejecting you?"

**You did it Sakura. I'm proud of you.**

The whole class, especially the boys, goes into a sea of "Ooooohhh"s and "Buuuurn!"

Ino is frozen by my answer. I've never said this much in one sentence.

Suddenly I feel something hitting my face and my face burning up.

She slapped me.

**Ino fucking Yamanaka slapped you across the face.**

She couldn't handle the pressure so she set it out in power. Very grown-up of you, Ino.

I want to slap back, but at the same moment the teacher is walking in. Ino walks back to her seat, stealing one last glance. I wanted to slap her back.

Not that I was going to slap back or anything… I am not that self-confident.

**You are right.**

Can't wait for school to be over. My head is spinning from that slam I got. Ino constantly looks back at me. Glancing with those dirty eyes.

**Rip them out. **

**Tear them apart.**

**Pull out her hair.**

No. I don't want that. Not those thoughts. Not again. Never again. Please not. Because I can't take it.

"… Sakura…" I look up. The girls, Tenten, Ino, Hinata, and even Temari who finally arrived at school, were talking about me.

I could've been home, ya know, doing nothing but cry. I mean, what usefullness does it have if_ they_ are going to haunt me after school anyway…?


	3. t w o

_[Two]_

Finally home from this awful day of school. Good thing I had the chance to-

"Sakura Haruno! Young lady where have you been? School was already over half an hour ago! Do you know how worried sick your Mom and I were?!" Dad yelled after I set foot in the house. I unfold my boots.

**Here we go again.**

I got to talk to Deidara-senpai, but Dad won't understand. He'll say that that was impossible, 'cause I don't have any friends. If it is possible I'd like to go to my room now, but I'm too scared to speak against Dad. He'll give me a dead glance and I won't be getting any dinner.

"I am so sorry Dad, I... Tsunade-sensei wanted to have me after school, to talk with me about my medical studies." I say. I hope he believes me.

"Hm." Is what I get from Dad. I bet he is gonna call Tsunada-sama. I don't care, actually. Tsunade-sama knows what's going on here at home. So if Dad is going to call her if what I said it's true, she'll ask what I said and why he doesn't believe me. She will also say I was right and that I'm doing just fine. Then she'll slime to them about how good I am at my medical studies, as if she were my mom.

As I make my way to the stairs and my room, I see Dad walking to the phone. Please, Tsunada-sama, save me. Do not say it was not true...

I walk up the stairs and hear Dad starting the conversation.

I open the door to my room, toss my bag on the ground and fall on my bed with my back. I sigh. Put my upper arm over my eyes and let the rest hang next to my face.

"Sasuke smiled at me..." I whisper to no one in particular but myself. I sigh and feel my cheeks light up.

**You don't have a chance with him.**

I stand up and walk to my desk and open my dresser drawer. Removing a few clothes and finding my dairy. Have to let my feelings out...

_November__18th._

_Dear Yume,_

_So I have decided I'm calling you Yume because it means dream, and that is what I always will be doing, dreaming._

_Sasuke smiled at me. Every time he shows his sweet smile, I get goosebumps and it kinda gives me hope. Hope to move on._

_Dad didn't believe me when I said I went to Tsunade-sama. Well, not that it was true anyway, but that doesn't matter._

_I was talking with Deidara-senpai. He gave me some good advice. He saw what Ino had done to me, he was walking past our classroom. He and I talk a lot lately. As if he understands me._

_"You don't need to give in to Yamanaka, un." He said. "If she mocks with you, let it go. Because when you slapped her, what was a good one, un, you won't be any better than her. She isn't worth your anger. Let it go. Let her go. Don't hassle with it, hn. Well, I gotta go to art class now, I'll see you later, yeah." Those words..._

_It really gave me hope. It's like Deidara-senpai feels what I need. Like he can see through my mind or anything..._

_I scared when I saw it was already later than I should have come home. Mom and Dad were not that mad at me, though. Dad only called Tsunade-sama and that's it._

_He would not understand what is going on with me. The shit he is doing to me. Sometimes I wonder if I should just run away. From home and this town. Move away on my own... What do you think, Yume?_

_..._

_Well of course you wouldn't answer me. You're just a dairy after all. But you're the only friend I have._

_So yeah... I think I will be putting you away now and start with my homework. I hope people will someday understand me._

_But they never will. We both know that._

_~ Sakura_

I stand up and put the dairy away, under my clothes, in the drawer. Mom will never find it because I have to wash my own dirty clothes. And Dad never comes on my room.

I look around. My room is tidy. Too tidy. I didn't leave it like this behind. Oh no... Did Mom come in my room? Crap.. If so.. Did she find Yume? Oh god I don't hope so.

**What would you do if she did?**

I run to the hall. "Mother! Have you been in my room?" I yell down the stairs.

"No Sakura, we have a new maid in the house. I fired Misaki a few days ago, remember? The new one her name is.. Uhm.. Dear what was she called again?" ... "Oh right. Nihime was her name."

They fired Misaki? I didn't even know... Misaki never cleaned my room. She also knew the problems I had with my parents. I never had problems with cleaning or anything of her. Sometimes she cleaned my room, only when I asked. She would never look into my stuff, never point her nose into my desks or look under my bed.

I really need to meet Nihime, tell her she doesn't have to clean my room. That I need to do it myself.

I go sit behind my desk and make a note: _Talk to Nihime about the room cleaning._

I paste it onto my mirror. Yosh. That should do it.

I look around in my room. I walk to my bed and sit on it again, placing my back against the wall. I try to think.

If it goes on like this, I won't be able to hold back anymore. There will be coming a day when I would give up.

**That's right. Just give up.**

But I don't want to. I don't want to give up. That will mean I have let them win this.. I can't give up.

**Just you wait, Sakura. You'll give up eventually. **

I ignore the voice, lay down and try to sleep.

Why is the world so hard to me? What have I done wrong to Ino and the rest? I remember us being little squirts and having no hard times at all...

**Face it. Just accept that they thought you weren't good enough for them at all.**

And I fall asleep, seeing the memories of Ino, Hinata and me pierced on my eyelids. Before I doze off, I feel the teardrops forming in my eyes.


	4. t h r e e

_**[Three]**_

_November 25th._

_Dear Yume,_

_As you can see, a week has passed. I have to tell you something really... I don't know how to explain all of this... I never thought any of this would ever happen. _

_At least not around me._

_This week was loaded with stuff and I don't even know how to act anymore. I don't know how to __**behave**__ anymore._

_Not around them, him, them, school, the __**whole**__**world**__. I'm so stressed I can barely sleep. __And when I am finally asleep, I wake up again because of a nightmare or just my stress. I'm all beaten up. _

_But beside that, I'll write what happened._

_I was sitting in class on Monday, early as usual, when Tenten walked in._

_As I was expecting a big curse over me from her, she ignored me. I was surprised. She would never ignore me, or at least when around Ino._

_That wasn't even the strangest. She isn't even in my class or year. She should be hanging around Neji or something. {Even to me, it's obvious they are dating. {or at least almost.}}_

_She then huffed an annoying huff only Ino could do without even trying. She copied it._

_Ino then walked in, completely ignored me -not that surprising- and went to Tenten._

_I first didn't give it any attention, but when I heard Ino saying Sasuke's name extra loudly, I was startled and overheard their conversation like it was nothing. I pretended I was staring outside but also payed very close attention to them, and very little to outside._

_"Someone as ugly as Sakura will never get him." Ino spoke. I tensed up and focused my sight on the children playing outside "With that big forehead of her. Why does she even wear a headband? It'll only make her forehead even bigger. Please." I felt her eyes piercing through my back._

_Yume, it was horrible, and that was only the start of the week. You feel me? _

_Tuesday was not better._

_Well, Sasuke smiled at me, I was dying inside. That's the only good thing._

_Right after he did, and Ino got sight of if, she jumped right at him, squealing and whatever. Kurai, the voice in my head, hissed too bad thoughts. Again things like, kill her and why don't you even do a fucking thing on your own? _

_True, I can't do anything on my own._

_Wednesday was quite different. For some reason, Tenten spoke to me. I felt like she had to pull something out of me from Ino. But then she said I didn't had had to be so stiff, she just wanted to talk to me. Yeah right..._

_Thursday was nothing better._

_But today it beat me. Ino and Temari had followed me after school. When we passed a small alley, they ran up to me and pushed me in it. Before I could react they pushed me to the ground. My face hit the ground and my sight went blank. _

_"So, I heard you tried to hit on my boyfriend?" Temari spoke. I was startled. Me? Hitting on Shikamaru? Why should I even? I have known him since I was two. _

_Okay, I also have known Sasuke since I'm five, but still. _

_I shook my head. "You slut. First on our little adorable Sasuke-kun, and now on Shikamaru? I even heard from Tenten you tried to seduce Neji! You whore." she said. I did not do that! I'm not that kind of person. Not at all._

_I don't even dare to speak to Sasuke! Let alone talk to Neji or Shikamaru! Or even hitting! _

_After that I heard Temari pulling something. It got a slicing tune. I scared and made myself to a little ball. Ino pulled me up and punched me in the face and kicked me in my stomach. I still feel it hurt when I touch it now._

_..._

_It's quite hard to write about it... _

_I looked up and saw Temari bringing the knife to her face. I was right. That's a knife. I was scared I wouldn't come out alive, Yume. Shikō whispered to me it would all be better if they just kill me off. _

_Temari stabbed me in my thigh, and now it's hurting like hell. It almost feel like more than it already was when she did. _

_After that stab I got a few more punches and then they left me alone in that alley. _

_I luckily didn't got found by somebody. I got home quietly and luckily too, Mom and Dad weren't home. I am still shaking when I write this down. _

_I undressed and showered, everywhere it was hurting. I'm broken. I might have bruised a few ribs. It hurts when I breathe._

_I better go and make homework now. _

_~ Sakura _

I sigh and look up. Closing the dairy I stand up but quickly fall back down on my chair. My thigh is hurting too much. I pull up my skirt and look at it. It's looking quite deep. I wonder how deep.

I don't want to visit the doctor. Please no. I'm happy it's Friday. I can heal a little so Ino and so would not notice it hurt me too much, and Mom and Dad have to do work tomorrow. They also probably are going out tonight and leaving me alone.

My stomach grumbles. It hurts. Home alone now and tonight. Finally. I am so sick of them.

**What if you aren't?**

I gulp. Aren't I alone right now?

**Don't let the bed bugs bite when you go to sleep. **

I'm scared.

I go downstairs and walk straight to the freezer. Peeping in it, I see a pizza. Oh yeah. Pizza night it is. I grab it and take a peek at the clock.

18:51

That's way later than I expected. I turn around, to the oven, placing the pizza in it. Turning the oven on, I walk to the television only to notice it's on.

... How?

Now I'm seriously scared. I didn't tune it on when I got home.

I ignore it and try to pay attention to the tv. Some stupid spelling show is on.

"What is the one of the most famous tree of the world." The host asks the contestants. I doze off, watching the world outside.

"Sakura." I feel something thrilling down my spine. I look up and see it was just he contestant answering. Duh. Calm down, Sakura. There's no someone in my house.

I open the door to the balcony. The cold winds engulfs my face. I bend over the railing. Looking down I see Lee walking.

I half-smile. He doesn't even see me. Well, what do I care, nobody even ever sees me. Teachers ignore me, students ignore me, Sasuke ignores me, Mom and Dad ignore me, Lee ignores me.

I sigh. Hmf, what else..

Oh, I haven't spoken to Deidara-senpai all week. Forgot to tell Yume that. I wonder what is wrong. He mostly passes by every day when I sit in class alone and we chat a little.

I look down again and see Lee is still standing there. Now locking eyes with me. He probably heard me sigh. Oops. Crap that wasn't my intention.

"Yo Sakura," he speaks out, eyes widened.

"Hi Lee." I say back. I smile, "Why don't you come in?"

I see the doubt in his eyes.

**Why should he be coming into your house. You're not worth it, remember?**

"If you don't want to, I can understand." I say and back away to inside.

"No, it's alright! Wait a second." I am startled. Wait. The bruises on my face. I can't hide them anymore! "Yo." he says, standing in front of my face.

"How did you- never mind." I could've known. For the best sportsman of our school, it's just a little trick to walk up the wall to the balcony. I nod, "Right. Come in as you please. Sit down and I will make you a drink." I say a little stiff.

"No need to tense up," he tells me. "I won't bite."

He really told me not to be scared of him? Shouldn't he be the one who is tensed up around me, the girl no one likes?

**Probably. **

"O-okay.." I say hesitantly, and walk to the kitchen, making something to drink.

"What happened to your b- and silk face?" he asks. What was that he said? I did not hear it. But besides that, silk? Nah.

I grab two glasses, "I-"

"It was Ino wasn't it? Probably with Temari. Am I right?" before I could say anything he interrupted me. What should I do? I can't just answer! It'll only get me in more trouble than I already am.

I take a breath."Please don't tell anyone." I just say. I don't want him to tell them. I pour in the drink and walk to him.

"If you don't want to, I won't." he says. I hand him his glass over and sit down on the couch beside him. "I promise I won't." he emphasizes.

"Thanks..." I breathe. I watch him drinking from out of the sides of my eyes.

"What did they actually do?" He asks, placing his empty glass on the table.

"They... Ino pushed me into an alley and she began to beat me up... Temari... she pulled a knife and stabbed me," I pull up my skirt, he hides his eyes, "here."

He peeks through his hands, and them removes them. "Whoa." He is frozen. "That looks quite deep.." he whispers. I nod. "You should get that treated." I shake my head. "Wait here." He says and stands up.

Lee walks to the kitchen, searching every cabinet and even our island. He finds what he searched for.

The first aid suitcase? What is he-?

He walks to me back again. "Look, I'll get your thigh treated and then you go to sleep, okay?" I nod slowly. He bends down and looks at the stab. Opening the suitcase, he searches for bandages.

Whirling them around me, I hiss from the pain.

"Don't worry," he says, "it will be over in a blink, I promise." I watch him as he finishes my treating.

He stands up and puts away the first aid and walks to the door.

"Wait, I'll walk you out." I tell Lee. He nods, and walks when I passed him. "Thanks, Lee." I say and let him out.

"No problem. I always see you talking to Deidara-san, but you know, you also can always come to me, I swear." He smiles at me. I smile back and nod at him.

"Thanks a lot, Lee. It means a lot. But please, don't tell anything to anyone, not even to the Prez."

He nods and walks away, giving me a back wave. I close the door and slowly walk to my room. This was a long day. I hope I can sleep well. I sigh and plant myself cozy in bed. I slowly fall asleep.

**Remember what I said. Don't let the bed bugs bite. **

**Remember who you are. I, Kurai, am with you.**


	5. f o u r

_**[Four] **_

**Sakura~, Sakura~...**

**Don't you want to disappear? Sakura~...**

_I see a girl standing ten meters away from me. She has short black hair. And emerald green eyes that looked dark. They look rather lonely and empty. She is wearing our school uniform._

_..._

_She's me..._

**That's right~**

**Surprised~?**

_I look around, only to see we are the only ones in this empty white room. No. It's not even white. It is only light. It doesn't have a color. Color-less._

**You and I are the same~**

_We are the same. I nod as if I in trance and come closer and closer to her._

**That's right. Come closer~**

_I come near her. She walked to me too. When I pull my arm up to touch her, she does the same. But I can't touch her. I thought I was way closer to her. Our hands touched the mirror between us. Or even better, I touched the mirror. She was my mirror. That was me. I was that dark and lonely eyed girl._

_She was me. No. I was her._

_Perhaps me from another world?_

**Do you realize now? What everybody sees? You are lonely. They don't see a happy girl with pink hair, eyes of what you think are standing happily. Deceiving others. You think you can so that? Deceiving others is harder than you think.**

_**They**_** only see a girl, a girl like everyone else. Hair like everyone else. And eyes like everyone else. Because you're quiet, sometimes no one even notices you. It's the truth.**

_This is Kurai. I'm sure of it. Who else is saying these things to me._

**That's right. It is me. Kurai.**

_All this time we were talking here, you were me?_

_It's weird to question the girl who is me_. _But the girl nods innocently._

_And here I was, thinking you might be me of another dimension or something, I don't know._ _Boy, what was I wrong. All this time you, Kurai, were me. Without me even noticing I was making myself drown in the sadness and misery of this horrible life. It was me, me deceiving myself. I was making myself think I was nothing. I have thought of it for such a long time, that it got its own mind, Kurai._

**Now, now. Don't start to pity yourself. You have created me. Aren't you a little bit happy? I am your friend. The only friend you need. I am you. But you are right. All this time it was me, or you, deceiving you. You thought I was just a voice in your head. No. It wasn't. Remember? Don't let the bed bugs bite. I've said it many times. Be careful or something odd will happen.**

**Like meeting me.**

_Meeting you, er- me, was the worst thing. You can't be me. I don't look like that. You're just a dream. A nightmare. You don't know a thing. I regret the things I've said just now. You and I are not even like each other. We are not the same. Not now, not tomorrow, not in forever. I am going to forget you and you won't be playing a part in my life anymore._

**Look at yourself. How pathetic. Listen to yourself. Do you notice how pitiful you sound? Desperate. Confused. Listen to yourself. Your mind is messed up. But hey, don't blame yourself. Blame your mind. That same mind who created me, is the same one bringing you down. I don't know anything about you you say? We aren't like each other?**

**Listen sweetie, I know **_**everything.**_** If you keep denying this, you'll are getting **_**nowhere.**_** I'm just a dream, a nightmare? That means you called yourself a nightmare. Look at yourself. Look at yourself. You can't continue like this.**

**I will be the one bringing you down. Sakura~ Don't worry. I'll be with you. I'll be the one. Watch me. You're stuck to me and I am stuck to you. Watch it happen and slowly destroying your mind.**

_No._

_No. You're lying. I will put through. I know that. I should watch you? No. You watch me. I am going to put through with all my might. I'm not gonna let you win. Not this time. Not this year. Not next year. Not in forever._

**Watch your words. Choose them carefully. Tearing apart. That's what your mind is doing slowly to you. That's what I am slowly doing to you. Be careful. Don't let the bedbugs bite. I will bring you down. You're pathetic and you know that. Sakura sweetie, don't worry. I am going to be with you.**

**All. This. Time.**

I scare awake. I'm scared. Tears are silently flowing down my face and I can't stop them. I try to sit up straight in my bed. This was horrible. Kurai appearing in my dreams has been horrible. I bring my knees to my face and cry silently.

My mind is a hell.

I wanna just die.

Who the hell would even care when I'm gone.

Not Mother.

Nor Father.

Neither my classmates.

Let alone Sasuke.

Ino and that little group won't even try to pity me. They will laugh at my grave. Maybe even spit on it. And if I'm lucky enough, they will make a little flower of it. Heh.

Who would weep over me.

Look at me. Pitying myself. Just like Kurai said. I'm a pain in everyone's ass.

But I don't want Kurai to win. I can only let her win to give in and admit. She won't win. I'll put through.

I can do this, right?

Right?

**If you say so, Sakura~**

I bury my head deeper in my knees and sob even more.

I don't know if I can keep on going. My life has been miserable for too long.

But I will have to put through. I have to. Giving in is not an option from now on. I have to stay strong.

I'll try to pep talk myself. Gosh. This is so silly.

Remember Lee. He cares about you. Even if he isn't your friend, he thinks it is unfair what them girls are doing to you. He said they're not worth it. What's worth is you.

Think of Deidara-senpai. He cares about you too. Remember how he always comes to you when you are left out, alone, sitting in the classroom. If he could, he would beat Ino's ass. But since he doesn't want to be suspended, he can't.

**So he will choose himself over you. That's a good decision of his.**

I ignore it.

It's true though. I think if he were me, and I him, I would do the same...

**You'll get used to it. Why don't** **you wait. Everybody will keep going on with ignoring you.**

**You are worthless.**

I can't help it and sadly picture a smiling Kurai. It makes my brain sting and my eyes watery. It makes me broken.

More than I already am.

I lay back down with tears still streaming down my face. I put the covers over the half of my face and try to think clearly.

Kurai has to be gone for now. For forever. But she won't and that thought is hurting me.

I realize this is the longest Kurai has talked to me. Or been in my thoughts, 'communicating'. It's kind of scary how much in one night.

I close my eyes and start to think of happy things. I have to put through. And I will. I believe in myself.


	6. f i v e

I'm a worthless puny little being on this big Earth of nothingness.

**True.**

I walk on my way to school. Feeling Lonely. Feeling down and backstabbed.

Why does the world hate me.

What have I done wrong.

Well it beats me.

If some little fairy could come up and tell me what the hell I did wrong, I'd be grateful, because I have no idea of what I did wrong.

I tried to be good. I tried to get good grades. I tried to be liked. I tried to make friends.

I tried. But it wasn't enough.

It all went downwards after we went to high school.

This sucks. Ino was actually never like this. We could be friends, if she didn't went from a nobody to a pretty head cheerleader every high school girl wanted to be and every high school boy wanted to date.

And God, why don't guess what day it tomorrow is.

That's right. Valentines Day. It's held twice in our school. Once at November 26th, and on the international date February 14th. And guess who's gonna get many cards and who don't? That's right, Ino and Sakura.

But it actually doesn't mind me that I don't get any Valentine cards. I mean, I am a nobody, who would want a thing of me or even me?

Maybe I'll get one, saying things like 'Oh Sakura, I really like you, meet me there and there to blah blah blah. xoxo Sasuke Uchiha', regocnize Ino's handwriting and smash the card into the trashbin.

Same tale as last year. It gets old if they do so again.

Maybe I'm lucky this year and they'll make a fake handwriting, to 'look like Sasuke'. Let me laugh. I want to cry please. Already humilliating me like that and then sending me such a card. Kill me please.

It's so sad of them. It makes me wanna waste tears on then. They're actually really pathetic if you think about it. But hey, I don't have the guts to say that to them. No way I'd do that. Hell no.

I rather- Ouch.

I look up to who ran into me.

_Shit._

Ino.

The last person I wanted to see today. Even if we were the last persons on Earth.

She has turned around and eyes me. "Ugh, look who we have here. Your hair looks as dead as usual, Haruno." she says to me. I walk past her, a deadly zombie scent and look hanging around me.

"Shut up, Yamanaka." I tell her and keep walking.

Ino clicks with her tongue. "Now now, don't get so rude and set up that tune to me now. If you want to know, you should be nice to Mister Populair his girlfriend."

Mister Populair his _what?_

"What do you mean?" I ask her. Mister Populair's girlfriend? She is bluffing, right?

_Right?_

"You heard that right. I am the new Miss Uchiha. I'm Sasuke's girlfriend now." Am I hearing things wrong?

S- Sasuke's girlfriend... B- but..

**You really thought you had a chance... How adorable.**

When Ino is around Sasuke, irritation is written all over his face...

**How pathetic.**

This can't be true.

**But it is.**

**You are so pathetic.**

"Now, if you don't mind it, I will walk straight past you, ignoring you, and go to my boyfriend," Ino beams at me and I give her a dead look. "Don't look so scary at me, honey. It will only make your ugly face even more uglier. If it is even possible." She sniffs a laugh.

I glance at her again.

"Though I don't know if that is even possible... With a face like yours, I wouldn't be able to live either if I were you." And here I was thinking she couldn't become meaner.

**You can't simply ignore her, and you know that.**

"Oh don't go frowning now, those ugly wrinkles in your huge forehead will only stay longer and become bigger if you go on giving me that look. You'll be ruining your face more and more like this. If it is even possible, like I said," she states and walks away. "Ciao, darling. Wait for me and expect and feel more pain." Ino waves to me, and I'm staring holes in her back.

She turns around giving me a wink and a handkiss. Like I needed that. Especially not from her.

I start walking to school again. Ugh. Why do I have to be in the same class as her. Now I have to listen to her and her whiny mood that she beams at Sasuke.

**You're just jealous at her. Admit it. You want the Uchiha for yourself.**

"Go away, Kurai." I mumble to myself and feel people's eyes pointing at me. Their gazes following me.

**Why don't you give up?**

Because then you have won. I won't let you win this easily.

Not Ino. Not Temari nor Tenten and not Hinata. And not even you, Kurai. I won't let you win.

Watch me and I will become stronger.

**Smart words for a little girl like you. Choose 'em wisely, smart girl.. You will never know what is facing you in the future.**

But I just know that even though I want to become stronger and want to ignore Kurai, I can't. It's bad to think like this but I already have the feeling I can't cope with this much pressure. I have to pull through and not give in.

I look around and see I've arrived at school. Those stupid school noises make my head ache and wanting to puch something. Doesn't matter what, just let me punch.

Well, I guess hell is gonna break loose again this time. Ino sure will pick on me again. I'm sure. Of course because of and about our little 'incident' or whatever you want to call it.

I hear click-clacking sounds of high heels arriving at schools territory. "Well, well, well. Look at who we have here. That you even want to show that ugly face of yours here at school." Temari. I turn around to see her and Tenten standing there, hands on the hips and giving me a dirty smirk. Looks like they too remember last weekend.

"This is gonna be quite fun, Temari. Should we wait for Ino and slash or Hinata? Or?" Tenten questions scratching her head and then checking if her make up and buns still are on the right place. Temari has locked her eyes deadly at me.

"Nah, why would we. I guess they both are at school already . Hinata is probably stalking or finally talking to Naruto, trying to grab a chance. And Ino is probably hanging around Sasuke," she says. So it _is _true. They are dating...

My life is over.

**That's right. Your life is over. I hope you enjoyed the show.**

"But then again, Sasuke probably ignores Ino so she'll be here in a sec, or something like that," Temari points out. Wha?

"She told me she had finally something with Sasuke.." Tenten says.

Why am I still standing here? They are only having a conversation with themselves and not noticing me anymore.

"Well, she didn't tell it to me, so it's probably false news. Probably to stoke Sakura or something." Temari answers. Okay, they really don't know anymore that I'm still here. Should I back away slowly?

"Hmm, probably true.. It's kinda sad for pinkie though. Ino is really going too far. And you too! Remember last weekend? I only thought we were gonna make her feel desperate, not actually stabbing her with a freaking knife!" Tenten hisses.

She actually feels sorry for _me_?

"Me too okay. Ino was kinda blackmailing me!" I really think I should slowly back away before I hear anymore pity from them to me. "She really is a bitch lately.."

They are starting to hate Ino? I am confused?

"Ahem," a girl coughs quite loud.

They both look scared and turn quickly around, and I try to look around their shoulder.

Oh... Well that was to be expected. I guess...

"I- Ino!" Temari and Tenten exclaim.


	7. s i x

"Ino!" Temari and Tenten exclaim.

They didn't notice Ino standing behind her until she coughed. I look at her from over their shoulders.

Sasuke stands there too... Next to Ino...

"You girls seriously thought I wouldn't hear you two talking about me? I was here right around the corner and heard _everything_." Ino screeches. "When I'm with Sasuke and not around you two, doesn't mean I gave you two the permission to and bitch about me!" Ino gives them a deadly look and sighs.

I look at Sasuke. He stands there, annoyed and nonchalant, with his hands in his pockets. He looks so cool...

Then he suddenly moves his head to me and we lock eyes.

I feel my face heat up and look to the other way.

**He don't even want you. Stop drooling over him, Sakura sweetheart. You aren't good enough for him. Hihi~**

I bite my lip. Kurai, stop this.

"I- if this was everything, we- we will be going now?" Temari asks, a little annoyed.

Ino sniffs. "I'm not done with you two yet."

"Ino, I'll be going now, the guys are waiting at me." Sasuke says, bored.

"Yeah, yes of course Sasuke. See you~" Ino says, trying to make her voice sound seductive.

"See you later," Sasuke says and Ino pecks his cheek. Ew.

**Jealous, Sakura?**

Shut your trap.

Sasuke walks past me, and nods at me. "Hey." he says.

He's talking to me? He really is. "He- hey..." I stutter back, my face burning up. Sasuke spoke to me!

**And that will be the only time he will ever talk to you. Don't think it will happen again, sweetheart. He's only being nice to you since you stood behind Temari and Tenten. He probably was talking to them too. Don't get your expectations up too high.**

Ino is glaring at me. Creepy...

I think I really should back away now. I don't want to be stuck in their bitch fight. I just don't want to be here anymore.

**Why aren't you going then? Scared, maybe? **

"I- I'll be going now..." I mutter. They don't seem to hear me. Good. I will be backing away now.. Slowly so they don't notice me.

Not that they do anyway. I'm just a ghost to them, right? I don't matter to them and they won't matter to me.

I turn around and run into the school to my classroom, away from them. When Ino is mad you don't want to be around her. Never.

I hurry into the classroom, to my seat. My one and only seat.

Good thing I brought Yume today... I haven't written anything down lately..

So I sit down, grab my diary in front of me and start to write..

_November 28th._

_Dear Yume,_

_well, here I am again... I feel sorry that I haven't written down anything lately. It was a busy school week and Ino, Temari and Tenten were on my neck again. They just can't leave me alone! _

_Oh... Sasuke and Ino are boyfriend and girlfriend now..._

_My life is over..._

_I'm really depressed about it..._

_Then I'm thinking again, what does Ino have that I don't? Self-confidence, beauty, long hair, gorgeous long blonde hair, nice body, and go one. I don't have all of that._

_I don't have any self-confidence. I am not pretty. I don't have long hair, not anymore at least. But I like it this way better so I won't let it grow anymore like last time. I have dry ugly pink hair. And most of all I don't even have a nice body.. _

_But I love the way I am, though._

_All those girls who want to have a nice body, thinking it's a game who the skinniest girl is... Give me a break. It's so unhealthy. Plus I don't want it because I love food too much to be ditching that over being skinny. Not happening today, not happening tomorrow._

_But back to Sasuke..._

_When he walked passed me today, he nodded at me, said 'Hey', and smiled at me... I barely still can believe it. I thought he thought Ino was annoying as hell.. She really went to the outermost to get him.. She's such a manipu_

"God, I can't believe Sasuke is really sticking with that girl Ino. She's fine but she's really a drag. I can't stand her and I thought Sasuke couldn't too." Someone says, walking in, interrupting my writing since I heard Sasuke's name. I look up with a half eye. It was Shikamaru speaking to Kiba and Naruto. "Temari doesn't even talk about her anymore since I think Ino is such a drag.."

"But Shikamaru, I thought Sasuke had a fling for that pinkie." Kiba speaks. Pinkie? Me? "Or am I wrong? He was looking at her some times, lately."

I guess they don't even notice me...

"Yeah, she's kinda fine too.. She really has a cute face. Sasuke really is such an idiot ." Naruto says.

Me, fine? Cute? Don't let me laugh?

"We have to beat some sense in Sasuke.. He's really sick if he wants to be Ino's girlfriend.. She's a pesky little know-it-all. I can't believe you were good friends with her, Shikamaru.

"Naruto, how are you and Hinata doing? It's obvious she likes you, and you like her too, right?" Do boys really talk about this kind of stuff?

"Wha- Hina and I? Nahh." Naruto mumbles and colors a little.

"How adorable. You even have a nickname for her already. You really are together, aren't ya?" Kiba stokes at him.

Hinata and Naruto are together? That's so cute!

"Well, yeah, okay. We have a.. 'thing' going on..." I guess they have forgotten about me already.

I look down again and focus me on Yume again.

_manipulator. _

_I just overheard Naruto, Kiba and Shikamaru speaking... Seems they can't believe Sasuke is Ino's boyfriend now. It's even odd to them. They thought she was a drag and annoying and that Sasuke thought the same way. _

_Then they were talking about me.. They rather wanted to see me with Sasuke instead of Ino... _

_According to them, I was 'fine' and 'cute'. I don't actually believe them.. They didn't notice I was hear, did they? So should it be true? Or did they do notice me and just said it because I was there. _

_I secretly don't hope for the last one._

_But let's just forget about it. I have almost recovered from the bruises Temari, Tenten and Ino left me. I hope i will fully recover. _

_~Sakura_

I close Yume and look up. Sasuke has come into the classroom and is talking to Gaara. Shikamaru, Kiba and Naruto walk up to him.

While they stand in front of Sasuke and Gaara, Gaara leaves saying a quick "I'll leave you alone, I guess..." in the gloomy way he always speaks. Sasuke nods and Gaara takes his leave. The girls, Tenten, Temari, Ino and Hinata, walk by and Sasuke pricks his finger in Ino's side to make her squeel. Temari gives Shikamaru a quick peck on the lips and Naruto smiles brightly at Hinata who blushes.

"Hey Hina," Naruto says and Kiba eyes him. "Dude." he says to Kiba, giving him an elbow in the ribs. "Don't be jealous, Kiba. You will experience it sometime too." Naruto grins and turns to smile at Hinata.

"But we have to come to the point now." Kiba says. The other guys turn to them again too. "We have to talk to you, Sasuke." Kiba speaks with a serious tone.

"What is it?"

"You are out of your mind to be dating _her_. You know what we mean. She's creepy as hell okay! Did she manipulate you or something?" Naruto says. I take a peek at the girls and they don't seem to hear them.

"You need to look for someone else. There are enough other fish in the see that you are more worth to be with. It's such a drag." Shikamaru says.

Then Kurenai-sensei, our homeroom teacher, comes in and want all of us to sit down to start the day.

Like Shikamaru said: everything is such a drag.


	8. s e v e n

"Sakura, can I talk to you for a second?" Kurenai-sensei asks after she dismissed us as class to go to our next period. Everybody stands still and looks at me. Kurenai-sensei ignores them and goes to pick out some documents.

"Uh, sure..." I speak. What did I do wrong? Mostly when Kurenai-sensei wants to speak to one of us, it's wrong news nine out of ten times. Should I be scared now?

"What are all of you still doing here? Hop, hop, on to the next class." Kurenai-sensei says, still back turned against the class. Everybody scares and walks on. Ino and her 'gang' walk out like it doesn't care to them what Kurenai-sensei says.

When everyone has left, she turns to me. I feel a little frightened. "Sakura, I wanted to talk about your grades." My grades? They aren't that bad, are they?

"My grades? " I ask her.

She nods. "I have noticed that three months ago your grades went down. And two months ago they suddenly went up again. And that was holding on for two weeks, and it went down again and so they stayed."

What's her point?

"Is something wrong maybe? I'm really concerned about you, you know that? You can tell me everything, know that." she speaks.

**Lol. Do you really believe that. You can never trust those stupid teachers.**

"I don't know why that happened." I say plain. "If you'll excuse me, I will be going now?"

**Good girl. Those teachers will only tell your secrets to other teachers, until schoolmates hear it, make a rumor of it and tell it to everybody, and so to your classmates and you will only feel worse. **

**Wait. That's actually quite the good idea. Feel bad. Worse and worse. Hihi~**

"Oh. Right. Of course, you are dismissed. See you tomorrow, Sakura." Kurenai-sensei says and I turn around to leave. "Remember you can tell me everything. I am not like the other teachers, I promise." she finishes.

I swallow upcoming tears away. Not like... the other teachers?

But the tears still come.

**Tch. You are so weak. Weak little kid that you are. **

Tears are flowing down my face and I hurry into the washroom, hiding myself in a toilet cabine. And I cry.

A lot.

I don't care if I am supposed to sit in the next class. I want to stay here and cry. I don't care if anyone hears me. I just want to let my thoughts out in tears.

I don't care what Ino will think when she sees me. I don't care what Temari will think when she sees me. I don't care what Tenten will think when she sees me. I don't care what Hinata will think when she sees me. I don't care.

**But you do.**

I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care.

_I don't care._

**It doesn't matter how many times you say it. You****_do_****care and you can't escape that feeling. I am here to watch you.**

And I'm sick of Kurai. She's just as much as a backstabber as Ino is. Yuck.

The door of the washroom opens. I hear the click-clacks of high heels coming in.

Well if you were speaking about the devil. How great.

"Ugh. Sakura always gets the attention of the teachers. I wonder what Kurenai-sensei was saying to her. Probably that she shouldn't be such a whiny bitch or something. Tch." Temari says.

They really have the pick on me. This beats everything.

**They aren't jealous, so you could stop thinking about that.**

I was never-

**Blah blah blah. Quit the whiny talk. You really are a whiny bitch. It's just like they say.**

"I know right." Ino answers. "It's like because she can't get Sasuke's attention she just seeks that of a teacher. It is making me sick. Sasuke is mine. I don't know why she doesn't understand that yet. He is mine." She keeps claiming Sasuke for herself.

"It is so annoying. Shika was also talking about I should be nicer to her. As if I would do that. Please." Temari says and yawns loudly. The other girls laugh.

"That whiney bitch." Ino says, with a laughing huff "We should start calling her _Whiney Bitch_ from now on. _Forehead_still stays too. It will fit perfectly on her." They all start to giggle and huff like horses.

"Hey, Hinata, you've gotten quite quiet lately. Is it because of Naruto or do we get the wrong intentions?" Tenten asks teasingly. The moment she said Naruto's name, Hinata gasped a little with a 'Ooh'.

"N- no, I- I mean, y-yes k- kind of. B- because he s- suddenly a- asked me o- on a date last week. And n- now we a- are already dating." Hinata stutters.

Why is the world so cruel to me. Even the nicest, most quiet girl of the class got a date with Naruto and they even have something now.

"I bet even that pink airhead is jealous of you, Hina." Temari says and the group giggles.

**What they are saying is true**.

I clench my hands to the sides of my head, on my temples, on my ears. I don't want to hear it.

I do care.

Everyone is no good. They all should die.

**Maybe you are the one that should die, Sakura, sweetheart. You are the one causing all of this, right?**

**It's your existence that is in the way.**

Lovely. More Kurai shit to deal with.

I start shake my head and pull up my knees to put them on the -closed- toilet seat I was sitting on. But it went totally wrong.

My idea was to slowly pull my knees up and slowly and quietly putting them down on the seat.

But it went wrong. I bumped my knee into the paper holder, which almost fell off. It shook a little.

"What was that?" Ino asks, interrupting the talk they were having about my forehead, their nails and their hair. "Who is there?"

Shit. I'm going to be discovered right now.

**And that's all your own fault, love. I had told you not to run into the washroom, but look what you did. You ran into the washroom. Silly girl. Silly pathetic little girl.**

**Pathetic.**

Kurai spitted out the words.

I feel so bad. I feel like I have to puke right now.

Footsteps are sounding now and I feel more and more uneasy.

"Ino, this cabin is closed." Temari's voice. She's so close!

Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. I am gonna die.

Ino walks closer to me now. "Hehehe, now we will see who this invader is. She will be punished." Ino speaks and three knocks follow. "Hello~? Who is there~?"

I am not gonna answer. Nah-ah.

"Tch. No answering, eh." I hear two footsteps and a sound of rustling.

I look down. Is she gonna peek a look from under?!

Then Ino's head pops out from under the door. "Peek-a-boo. Sakura, I just knew it was you. Open that damn door, _forehead_."

I sit there unmoved. I slowly shake my head. I'm in so much fear right now. I'm so scared that I have trouble with breathing.

"No answer? Temari, kick that door in." Ino demands and backs away.

Tears are on the edge of falling down.

**_BAM._**__One kick against the door.

**_BAM._** Another kick and the door slams wide open against the cabinwall.

"Now we got you, you whiny bitch." Temari says and she and Tenten walk forward to grab me.

I notice Hinata hasn't said just one thing yet.

Then suddenly I get my hair tangled in someones hands, by Temari's hands, and my left arm gets roughly pulled by Tenten. It hurts.

It hurts so much.

**Like I said, it is your own fault.**

**Sakura~**

"This is what you get from listening in on us and trying to steal Sasuke away from me." Ino screeches and punches me in the face.

She holds my collar and punches me a few more times in the face.

Then it's the turn of my stomach. Ino punches hard. So hard that I almost have to puke. I cough really loud.

She throws me on the ground like garbage.

"You pesky little brat." Temari tells me. "Miss goody two-shoes." And she kicks me in the stomach.

I bend over and cough again. I feel blood coming up. I try to get up.

"Whoa there." Tenten says and bends down, punching me in the face I fall back down again.

I groan out of pain and the tears flow down my face. It hurts so much. So much.

One of them bends down to my level, grabbing me by the collar. "Ino, would you like to give the final blast?" It is Temari, asking Ino to give the final blow.

"With love." Ino says cold-heartily and bends over, giving me a good hard knock in the face.

She laughs aloud.

"This feels so good." She stands up and steps over me, walking to the sink to wash her hands. When she's done she makes a walk for outside but stops at the doorpost. "Goodbye Sakura, sweetie. Don't feel bad if you die, you and me will meet again in Hell. I promise you that. Love you~!" Ino screeches and walks away.

I feel something flowing out of my mouth. With a lot of effort I try to wipe it away.

It feels warm... I look at it and scare

It is red... _Blood..._

I wrap my arms around my knees and cry as I lay on the ground, my vision leaving me.

And I pass out.


	9. e i g h t

_December 2th._

_Dear Yume,_

_It's already Friday and December. Time flies too fast when you're getting bullied. Monday I have been beaten to a pulp. Yes, again._

_Maybe I should do some defense lessons so I can defend myself the next time._

_I remember I passed out and suddenly, when I woke up, I was at home. I still don't know who brought me home. I don't hope it was a teacher._

_Probably not, because then I would have already heard something of that teacher or Tsunade-sama. Tsunade-sama is most likely to contact me. But I rather have that nobody talks to me. I feel like it will only bring more and more trouble with it._

_I hope Ino gets suspended if they find out. But then when they find out I'll be the one everyone should pity and I the rumors will be about me, the girl who can't stand up for herself and seeks the attention of that of a teacher._

_Yeah, and I don't want that going on_.

_Kurai was in my mind all the time. Trying to take over._

_Yes, she can do that now. It's creeping and freaking me out and I feel more and more lost._

_The rest of the week was no other feelings. Mom and Dad have grounded me. How pathetic haha. Like I did something wrong. They said I was home way too late. It was Wednesday and I had to talk to Kurenai-sensei again._

_She couldn't let the feeling alone that nothing was wrong with me. But Ino has threaten me with that if I tell someone about our little 'meeting', as she liked to call it, more drastic measures will follow._

_And I'm afraid it will be my death. So I won't tell it to anyone._

_Not to the teachers. Not to Tsunade-sama. Not to Mom nor Dad. Not to Deidara-senpai. Not to Lee. Not to anyone. I will keep it to myself._

_That means I am having a secret with Ino, Temari, Tenten and Hinata. Something I wanted to provoke. Kurai called it a dirty little secret between me and the devils._

_A secret between Ino and me hasn't been happening in ten years. When we were six._

_She came to me, asking if I could keep a little secret. And I won't write it down here. I never have told anyone about it, and I won't do it in the future. That's because it was a promise not to tell anyone. A promise of life and death as we called it, not knowing life and death were going to be so close between us in ten years._

_What a joke._

_My whole life is a joke. Heh._

_Kurenai-sensei can care what she wants but I won't spill a single word. Girl code. Even though that other girl doesn't care about me._

_I hope that once I will have the guts to speak to her normally. With no fights. No insults and no mean glances._

_~ Sakura_

* * *

I sigh as I put Yume away in my closet, under some clothes. My new hiding place for her.

It's Friday evening. I take a peek at my alarm.

Eight thirty-seven.

I turn around, leaning against my closet. Oh how I love these nights. Grounded and stuck on your room. Literally stuck because Mom and Dad have locked my door. So mature of them. As if I can escape.

**You wouldn't escape anyway. You are too scared to do that, are you not?**

Oh please. I am so sick of these thoughts. Kurai is too dark and gloomy. Well that's also what her name means. _**Gloomy**_**.**

Sighing, I walk to my window and try to open the door. Luckily it's not locked. Dad didn't lock that too. I still got a little of freedom.

I open the door and step outside. The moment I did that, I get welcomed by a cold but nice winter breeze.

I walk to the end of the balcony and look down.

How would it feel to jump down? I get this feeling inside I should jump.

**Just do it then.**

It will be okay, I think. Free from my thoughts. Free from the world. Free from everyone. I wish it was okay already.

**When you jump, I will disappear too. Because I am you.**

"Well wouldn't that be lovely. Finally free from you too." I hiss.

**Wow, getting a little cocky, are we? Hahah.**

"Tch. You are the one who makes me do this. You are the one who makes me this weak I can't even stand up for myself against Ino and the others. I blame you for all of this." I whisper angrily.

**Fufufu. You're cute when you speak angry to me, thinking you could actually win in this conversation to me. Pathetic~**

**Why are you even still trying.**

"Shut up, will you." I answer. I look up to the sky. It's almost nine o'clock. The sky is deep blue with stars shining bright. It's beautiful to see and I am amazed.

"Hey, Sakura?" someone calls me from the ground.

**Oh god. Look at who we have here.**

My breath stops and my heart skips a beat. Is that who I think it is or am I just fascinating again? I slowly look down. My heart feels like dying right now.

It is _him_. Sasuke has come to my house, or walked by, but who cares, and called out to me. Oh my gosh, am I dreaming?

**Sasuke.**

Kurai spits his name out like nothing.

"H- hey Sasuke." Oh no! I'm stuttering! Why now on all of the times?! I never stutter! "What are you doing here? At this time. In front of my house." I add and gives me one of his smiles. Those nervous, putting one hand behind your head smile.

He smiles. He _smiles_. He _is smiling to me. _Am I dreaming? I pinch myself and it hurts so that means I'm awake. Why the hell is he talking to me?! I thought I was a nobody, nobody cared about.

"Well, I was at Ino's tonight, and your house seems to lay on the way from her house to mine. And I saw you looking up to the sky of tonight, and thought, 'hey, why not speak to her'." he grins.

Am I dead already? Because if he keeps smiling like that to me, I'll die for certain.

Wait. He thought 'hey, why not speak to her'? Why would he think of that? Wasn't I nobody? He doesn't even look at me at school. And now he speaks to me, _**and**_ smiles to me. My hands are feeling sweaty.

"Oh, okay. But why did you think of talking to me now? I mean, you never talk to me at school and I know I annoy all of you." I say a little quiet, hoping he didn't hear me.

But he did. "You? Annoying? Hey, you might have heard Ino call you annoying, but I never called you that way and I don't think you're annoying. I never said that and I never will." Sasuke says.

Did he just, technically seen, called me nice?

**But you aren't. Wake up.**

Ignore Kurai. "You mean that?" I ask him. I don't know it for sure and I don't believe him… Ino probably said that to him that he should say that to me, to make me go crazy. I bet she did.

"Yeah. And don't worry, Ino has nothing to do with this. I promise you that." Can he read minds or something? "I really think you are nice, okay? I remember you and Ino being good friends too when you were little. Then you two went to middle school and, well, boom the friendship was over."

This is for sure the longest he has spoken to me. Why is he even concerned? With a girlfriend like Ino, you would not even be able to 'care' about me, or something.

"Why don't you come down so we can talk a little more?" he asks. A little more? Talking to him? Yes please!

"Sorry, I can't do that." I tell him, honest. "I am grounded." Probably for the rest of my life too if I keep talking on like this. "So I can't go on for long now too." I say.

"Oh, I understand. How about we talk another time?" he asks. He wants to speak with me another time!?

"Uh, sure.. Now if you'll excuse me," I say and back away, through my door which still was opened, and close it.

"Hey! Sakura!" he yells after I closed the door. Why is he yelling to me?

**He doesn't care about you. He just wanted to finish his talk with what an ugly bitch you are.**

Then I hear our front door opening.

"Young man, what do you think you are doing here, this late on the evening!? Yelling my daughter's name around! Do you even have a healthy mind!?"

**And here we have Kizashi Haruno, ruining -or should I say entertaining- the rest of our day. His mood is angry so maybe you should do a warrior cry of help to Sasuke?**

"Oh hello, mister Haruno." Sasuke says nonchalant.

"Don't go and casually 'hello' me! Who do you think you are to go yelling my daughter's name when she isn't even outside or has the permission to! What do you think this is!? Romeo and Juliet?!" Dad lets out an annoyed sigh.

"I'm sorry, mister Haruno. If you want to complain to my dad, you are mostly welcome at the Uchiha household." Sasuke says, leaving my dad silent for a second.

"Uchiha? You, this pesky little brat, an Uchiha? You got to be kidding me. An Uchiha yelling my daughter's name is even worse." Dad mumbles something I can't hear. "Now, go home and don't bother us again."

Footsteps sound and our door closing with a loud bang. I hope Sasuke isn't bothered too much by my dad and I hope that he understands why I'm grounded, with a dad like him.

**Nah. He doesn't.**

I try to hold my squeals back as I walk to my closet, grabbing Yume again, ignoring Kurai.

I jump on my bed and can't hold it anymore. My legs go kicking everywhere in the air and I giggle.

* * *

_December 2th_

_Dear Yume_

_SASUKE SMILED AT ME AND TALKED TO ME AT 9 O'CLOCK._

_Well he was walking back from Ino, but that doesn't matter._

_BECAUSE HE FREAKING TALKED TO ME. And it was longer than only 'Hi'. NO WE HAD A REAL CONVERSATION WITH HIS REAL SMILES._

_And it was almost my dead._

_~ Sakura_

_p.s. HE SMILED AT ME_


	10. n i n e

_December 5th._

_Dear Yume, _

_as I came to school today, I couldn't stop smiling._

_And if you'll be asking me why, you must be very stupid. It's just that I can't get Sasuke out of my head. Every time he was walked past me, I blushed furiously. I'm shaking._

_I got mad and angry looks from Ino. Then again, I don't care because Sasuke spoke with me. For the longest time we spoke. And then again too, Sasuke was really quiet about Ino in our conversation... _

_And I am still grounded. I have to sit on my room every day, from when I come back from school to we have dinner, and then I have to go back upstairs again. And they will call me when I can have a drink or something._

_It isn't quite different from what I did before I was grounded. The only thing that has changed is that I can't leave the house - or my room - when I want anymore._

_Well, I don't care about all of that because my day can't be broken anymore!_

_~ Sakura_

* * *

I smile as I hide Yume away in my closet.

Sasuke smiled at me! I still can't believe it, and it has been three days already.

I'm squealing and try to hide my happiness, but can't.

His smile is just so gorgeous! I love it when he smiles and his cheeks are puffing up, which makes him so hot. I love it when he walks past me, talking to Naruto and smiling and the happiness I see in his eyes. I love it wh-

A sound of a rambling thunder sounds and I scare from it. Immediately rain is falling down and I hear it coming loudly down on my window. And there is the lightning flash.

Rain and thunder? I thought the weather was predicted to be nice and maybe a little sun.. But not this thunder and lightning?! This is really odd. But hey, can't control our loving Mother Nature.

**Hahah. What a joke. You shouldn't be afraid nor scared of this little thunder and lightning. When you get hit by lightning, then you should be afraid and scared. Would be a good thing for you. To die by lightning.**

I press my hands to my ears to keep away the loud sound of the thunder. And to ignore Kurai. But that's impossible.. For she is me, so when I try to enclose my hearing from the world, her shitty voice only gets louder. So what's the point anyway.

**Fufu, don't go turning so bad against me.**

I hear Mom and Dad laugh from downstairs.

**See? Even they are having fun without you. You aren't needed in this family. Why are you even on earth? You're only a mistake, remember?**

"I never heard Dad say that..." I mutter as answer.

**No? Should I refresh your mind?**

"N- no.. No need to. I believe he n- never s- said that. S- so I won't b- be deceived b- by you." I hiss back, stuttering.

Why am I stuttering this much lately!? This is so wrong.. Is this what Ino and her little group of evil are doing to me? All this pressure of them?

**Probably, yes.**

"You know, Kurai?" I say. This is the first time I'm speaking out her name. It felt weird and creepy, not to say _gloomy._

**Yeah? What's wrong, forehead? Tell me already?**

Yay. Not her too. "There is someone I want to punch really badly." I speak.

**Oh really? And who might that be? I haven't heard you thinking about it at all.**

"That is right. But I can't do it." I say, slowly.

**Because you are a coward? Because your hate is not that big enough? Because you are afraid that Sasuke thinks you are a null, or maybe a freak? Because you punch like a six year old baby? Because your forehead is too big? Or maybe not big enough yet?**

Great. She has another insults too.

I huff. "Nah. It's none of the above you just said." I pause a little. It hasn't crossed my mind yet what could happen after this, and I actually don't want to know. "It is because she doesn't exist." I speak.

**...**

It's quiet. Too quiet, if you ask me. What is wrong? Why isn't she answering?

"Kurai," speaking her name aloud is odd.. "it is you."

**...**

And again another silence. Okay now I'm scared. Why isn't she answering but I can feel her presence. I'm freaking out.

**Oh really. Me. How brave of you to say that out loud. But from now on you will feel pain. More pain than you already felt. More pain than you experienced from getting beaten by Ino and the girls. Not physical pain, no.**

I feel a shiver go down my spine as Kurai spoke to me with such hatred in her voice that I heard in my head.

**No. Mental pain is what you will feel from now on from me. More and more. I know you also already were but it will be more and more. You can't escape.**

Kurai sounds determined. She really means it. My head feels full and I feel like I'm about to cry. I don't want to cry.

And I'm scared of what she will do to me. What will happen? What did she mean with mental pain?

Suddenly I feel nothing in my head. Like, really nothing. Empty. But still full. It looks like Kurai's presence is gone. But she's still there.

How? I don't know. It's been about twenty minutes since she last spoke to me in our conversation and I'm getting bad vibes from it. She not talking to me for this long, there must be something wrong. She sounded so determined. We spoke so long. _She _spoke for too long to me. Could it be that she has hidden away her presence and that this is the start of her 'mental pain'.

Heck, I'm so scared. Seconds tick and minutes go by. I wish she would let hear something of her. Not because I miss her, but because it feels like she isn't around and it scares the fuck out of me.

I want to scream, but that will make Mom and Dad notice some things. And I don't want that to happen. Maybe that only brings me in more trouble. And I certainly to want that to happen. It will be my dead, I swear.

I remember Friday, after school when I got home, when Dad suddenly started yelling at me and putting some weird pressure on me. He yelled I wasn't being the child he wanted. Like what the hell, I am who I am, is sort of what I yelled back. Then I got slapped by him, I got grounded and was being send to my room. For like, eternity, knowing him.

Tch. It's actually quite sad that Dad wants me to be the 'perfect child' he always wanted. Only getting As. Being popular. Best student price. Known well by everybody. Pleaaase. As if I can accomplish all of that. It makes me sick when I think about it.

It has been forty-two minutes. Now I'm really getting the nerves of her.

Then my head starts to hurt and I grab the sides of my head, close to my ears. My temples and forehead hurt like shit, but this is not a regular headache..

It feels more affecting and active than a normal headache. Something is in my head and it is not only Kurai... There is something more... Something more than only her.

It makes my head feel like exploding and I do everything to stop myself from screaming.

I fall on my bed and hide my face in my pillow. Screaming little growls into it. Of course that doesn't work.

I try to stand up, but as soon as I stand, I fall onto the ground.

Clamping my hands around my head from pain, a little wind seems to make a noise in my head. This is odd. Why is there a hard wind flowing in my head? I'm scared. Really, really scared.

Is this the work of Kurai? My mind is killing me. Is this what she meant with mental pain?

**This is only the start of it, my dearest Sakura.**

**Expect way and way more of this and slowly little by little you will see what I meant with the mental pain.**

**I am coming back with greater things. For me at least.**

**This, was only the beginning.**


	11. t e n

_[Ten]_

_December 9th._

_Dear Yume,_

_I'm so scared. The past five days were a hell. I.. Kurai has been so horrible the past days... I'm so scared I don't know what to do..._

_It all started Tuesday. Remember I wrote Monday evening what she did. Tuesday was worse. And the rest of the days were the worst. She couldn't just leave me alone._

_It all started with a lot of 'mental pain', and it held on the rest of the days, and that rest of the days she was saying I was not worthy to live; why live when you are not even worth it; oh look at you, you became even more fatter; Sasuke doesn't like you anyway so why; there are better people on the world than you; you fat midget; I don't know why Mom and Dad even thought about giving birth to you, she should have abort you; you ugly forehead; don't try hitting on Sasuke ever again, you only scare the shit out of him; don't look in that mirror, you will see a prettier version of you, newsflash, you are ugly as hell; Ino will beat you to death sometime in the future._

_And then she said the worst thing she ever said to me..._

**_Just kill yourself_**.

_I don't know what to do now... I'm so scared. I wish you could give me advice. But you're just a dairy I write in. If you were real, would you be my best friend of just ignore me like the rest? Probably the latter. Who in the world wants to talk to __**me**__? I'm not worth it._

_Maybe Kurai is speaking the truth. Maybe I am not worth it. After all, nobody cares about me. I barely care about myself either. I know what she meant._

_When she said I was becoming fatter and fatter, I took a look at myself in the mirror once, - today to be exact - before I went to take a shower. I scared from it. Maybe I was getting fatter. Even Ino said I was getting fat. And she barely looks at me. Only when she wants to pick a fight with me._

_I thought about how much I ate the past days, weeks and months. And yeah, I was eating way more than before I started taking second year of high school. I really was getting fatter. I ate way too much._

_I wanted to step on the scale to weigh myself. But I didn't because I was afraid of the number which would appear on the little digital screen. But I did step on it and I had to hold on for dear life for not to scare from the numbers that were appearing._

_And I did scare. Sixty-four point seven kilos. Way too much for me. For a girl who is one meter and sixty-one centimeters tall. Way too much._

_I don't know why but it freaks the shit out of me that I weigh this much. Argh I'm so mad at myself._

_I really need to lose some weight. And no one is going to stop me. I have to do this myself. I have to be there for myself. Going to put everything on everything and loose at least twenty kilos. Only then I will be eating normally again. Not earlier._

_I have to get rid of these pounds. And somewhere I hope Kurai will help me push me to the limits. I know I shouldn't write those words down, but somewhere I know she will help me anyway. Even though she scares me to death, I will ask for her help._

_If you can, pray for me._

_~ Sakura_

* * *

I stand up from my writing desk sigh.

After hiding Yume again, I walk to my window and place my head against the glass.

I have to get rid of those kilos. I feel the fat pushing against my skin. It feels gross and I want to get rid of that feeling. I really want to become less fat and skinnier, but I don't want to become like those anorexic girls you see on television and in magazines. They kind of scare me off. Those bones peeling through the skin of a nineteen-year-old girl sure doesn't look healthy to me.

I don't want to become like that. Super skinny and only for the attention I won't get anyway. Why do I even try? Because I want to be pretty and skinny. That's my reason. I feel like nobody will understand me anyway. Even Yume would not, if she did exist. She would probably think I'm a whiny bitch, like Ino and Temari think.

**Like you'll accomplish anyway. You will be going too far one time in future and you will die. I just feel it. Because we are one.**

I bite on the inside of my upper lip. Why does Kurai have to ruin everything I want to accomplish.

"Would you like to push me?" I ask her, without saying that cursed name. "Helping me push so I can lose the weight I want to get rid of?"

**I'd love to. But there are consequences to that.**

Of course, I could have been expecting that.

**You won't even stutter when I tear you mentally apart. When you stutter or even hesitate to not succeed, I will make sure hell will break open in your head. Understood?**

I nodded with fear.

**Good. Now, it's already late. So I want you to go to bed now and we'll start tomorrow by eating only a biscuit. We're not skipping breakfast, because that will only increase your little 'diet' and skipping breakfast will only make you fatter and you won't come through your day. And we don't want that to be happening, right? Am I clear?**

I nodded once again. "Loud and clear." I spoke.

Tomorrow will be the day I start my diet. I will become skinnier, even it was the only thing on Earth I could still be doing.

I sigh, turn away from my window and lay down on my dad, sigh again and start to think about all the things that happened the last week. It sure was one hell of a hectic week, with Kurai doing all of those mental things to me.

Wait. It's Friday today. That means it has been a week since Sasuke and I had our little chat. We didn't spoke after that again. I barely saw him, or his smiles. Could Ino have come to known about our little chat last Friday night?

He was there in class, I know for certain. But then again, he also was not. He was barely talkative and noticeable. He was there but also not. He was there physically, but not mentally.

Just like me sometimes.

"Just like me..." I whispered. "Just like…me," I repeated.

I wonder what happened. I hope that Monday he is okay again, and I don't have to worry.

Why am I even worried about him? Yes I like him, but it's not like we are together and that I should be so much worried about him. He's not _my_ boyfriend. I should let Ino be concerned about him, not me. I don't even have the right. But then again, we _are_ classmates, so I kind of can be worried about it.

Why am I doubting myself so much lately?! Getting freaked out myself from it. I should stop with the 'but then again…'s. It even annoys me. How the frick can I be so… so… I am so mad at myself I can't even come up with the right word!

I'm so pissed at myself. I smack myself in the face. Softly, so that I don't hurt myself.

I notice I haven't been hearing Mom and Dad ever since I went upstairs again. That's strange.. Could they be out for dinner or something? Without letting me know? That would be something typically for them to do on a Friday night.

Going out for dinner without their one and only daughter. Let alone telling her they went out. So much for being the parents I never expected them to be.

I stand up, and sit on the edge of my bed. What if they are gone. What would I do? "Mother? Father?" I try to shout to them, through my door and the first floor. Nothing in response. So I stand up and walk to the door, opening it.

As I look down the stairs, I see the lights are off. That's strange. It's late already and dark outside. So they are gone?

"Mother? Father?" I try saying again, with again no response. I walk down the stairs, to the hallway, to the door between the hallway and the living room.

All of the lights are off. It's dark, creepy dark. And it's making me nauseous. What if some creepy man walked in and tried to cut my head off?!

No. No scary thoughts Sakura. You should let them over to Kurai. That is not your job to do. That won't happen. It only happens in movies. Not in real-life, right? Right.

I need to calm down. I open the door and walk to the kitchen. I want something to drink, but it's so dark that I am almost peeing from the fearfulness. Damn, why am I such a scaredy-cat!?

I turn to the glass cupboard and pick a glass from one of the many glasses we have, because oh my Lord we are having so much guests over they cannot even be counted. Cough.

**Why not start by taking water from now on, instead of Coke or Fanta or whatever you used to drink.**

Hm, yeah, that might be a good idea. While getting this melody in my head, and I start to hum it, I turn to the sink to pour in some water.

"And what do we think we are doing here, so late at this time?" a voice booms from behind me. Uh oh.


	12. e l e v e n

"And what do we think we are doing here, so late at this time?" a man's voice booms from behind me. "Are you even thinking about what you are doing right now?"

From the scare, I almost let my glass fall to pieces, but luckily steady myself and don't let it fall. Turning around, I see who the man was, confirming my thoughts.

Dad.

"I.. uh, I was just.. was just..." Why am I losing words to speak? Dad's look scares me. "I was ju-" st drinking some water. But I couldn't finish

"I don't even care if you just wanted to do nothing." He yells angrily at me and I am scared. Freaking scared. "Now go upstairs to your room if you don't want to have other problems!" He is looking really angry at me. Then I notice Mom standing behind him. Her eyes are telling me nothing. They're not giving out one single emotion.

Our eyes lock. It is like her eyes pierce right through me. They seem kind of hollow. Hollow and icy. I have never seen Mom like this before. Eyes that hollow and feeling like piercing through me. It scares me.

It scares me more than Dad does with his booming voice.

"What are you still standing!? Hurry up to your room!" I nod and make a fast one for it, up the stairs, to my room. While I'm on the stairs Dad yells something to my back, what made me stop midway on the stairs and it sounded like this; "You're lucky we didn't extended you being grounded! You should be happy we didn't already throw you out of the house!"

Didn't… throw me… out of the house?

**Surprised? If I were your parent, I would have thrown you out of the house already three months ago. You should be happy that you're still allowed to live here. **

But I thought they loved me?

**Please, girl. Maybe deep inside they do because you're their child, but, no. No, they don't. Don't get your expectations up high. **

I run to my room and let myself fall on my bed, crying. Turning around, I look to my ceiling and cry more. Tear droplets falling down my cheeks on my ears. Tears in your ears are actually pretty gross.

Why am I even born on this awful shitty planet? In this shitty body. Why do I even live? Why am I still even alive? Why do I even care what others think of me? Why am I whining so much? I should just kill myself. Like Kurai said. Loss from my mind and myself.

**You can easily answer all those questions yourself. I ain't gonna do it.**

I hate my parents. I really, really hate them. Why don't they just disappear? They are making this life so hard for me.

I cry and cry and finally, but slowly, I fall asleep.

As soon as I wake up, I feel that my eyes are stingy and my face feels swollen up. And my throat hurts.

Oh yeah.. I have been crying yesterday evening. …. Okay… Well, it's Saturday, right? Gosh, I love Saturdays. What time do we actually live right now?

I take a peek at my alarm clock and see it says that the time is 8:24 in the morning. Then I have been sleeping for quite a long time. Since Dad sent me upstairs yesterday when it was around nine, I think. I don't know, I'm not good at remembering time.

**Ready to start your little diet today?**

Oh yes, that's right. I am about to start my diet today. I don't want to anymore, but I also do want to. Because I want to become thinner. But like I said, not that thin either. Just… thinner. "That's okay." I answer.

**Well then, good. We'll go down stairs and eat a biscuit. Like I said yesterday.**

"Right." I say and walk downstairs, to the kitchen. Arrived in the kitchen, I see Dad sitting at the kitchen table. "Morning, Father." I say. I hate calling them 'Father' or 'Mother'. But I have too. It doesn't even make any sense why I should say it.

"Good morning, Sakura." Dad speaks out and I notice Mom standing in the kitchen, preparing breakfast for her and Dad.

"Good morning, Mother." I greet her, giving a smile. If you can even call that a smile. Mom simply nods. Her eyes look very dull. Just like last night. Dull and hollow. Why? Now I'm quite concerned. Mom has never been like this?

Oh my gosh. I'm scared. What if Dad did something to her? He wouldn't do that, right? Right?

**Maybe. You'll never know to whatever stage he gets. Maybe he has abused your mom too.**

He wouldn't do that, don't he? That is the wife he's married to!

**And you're the child they got. Also a precious thing in his life. But look at what he did and still does to you. **

That's true.. Precious? Don't let me laugh. That's not even possible. I am not precious to them. More of a useless child.

"Sakura, what are you standing over there. Come here and make your breakfast. Eat and disappear to your room again. Chop chop, hurry up." Mom demands. Alright then.

"Okay." I say and make myself some breakfast. You can also say that I'm not wished to be around you guys in a nice way? But I guess not. Like I already said, so much for the child care. Or even a mother's love. But I also guess that that is a no. Nah what can you do about it. I mean, how much power do I have comparing to my parents? Exactly, nothing. But what can you do about it. I have nothing to say when I want to oppose them.

I turn to the dining table and sit down to eat. It's always like this. Sakura this, Sakura that. It's making me crazy, and I can't do a thing. I have to be the obedient child, otherwise I'm getting or grounded or some slaps on my face or something. Just a helpless little child.

While taking a breath to sigh, a breadcrumb flies in my throat and I almost choke on it. And while I'm almost coughing my throat and my lungs out of my body, Mom and Dad are standing and sitting there, looking at me, doing nothing. I look at them and they glance back. So they aren't going to do a thing? Nothing? Not even passing me a glass of water because their only child and daughter - who can give them a healthy grandchild - is almost choking to death? Thanks.

My eyes are tearing up. It stings so much. I'm helpless. I really am. I catch my breath, stand up and make a run for the sink to pour in some water in a glass. Mom is still standing there, doing nothing and just watching me. It's like she is mentally judging me. I feel like I'm being betrayed by my own family. That betrayal feeling again…

It hurts...

I drink the water and, while grabbing my plate and the biscuit, I glance at Dad who gives me a deadly glance back. Not again. That look. It hurts. I want to cry. But not in front of Mom and Dad.

So I hurry upstairs, to my room. Shutting the door, I throw the plate on my dresser and I fall on my bed. Tears flowing.

It hurts..

Why does it hurt so much?

**It's because it feels like betrayal. It's pathetic.** **Your parents don't wish the best for you like other parents. Maybe they just want to set you on the street but can't, because you're still their daughter, even though it doesn't feel like that to them. **

Life is so unfair.

It hurts.


	13. t w e l v e

I woke up, my head bouncing like crazy. It was once again one of these mornings. I hated these mornings. Despised them. It made me nauseous too.

Wait. Wasn't I already awake today? It can't be morning now, can it? I must have fallen asleep again. Was I upset? I touch the skin under my eyes. It's sticky and still a little wet. Have I cried? I don't even remember why again...

Checking my alarm clock, I see it's 11:39 in the morning. Saturday eleven-thirty-nine... Shouldn't I be somewhere at twelve? Somewhere at twelve...

**Don't you remember? Wow, your mind really is short... You also forgot about this morning already. Dad and Mom didn't care you were choking to death. But we'll all forget some things in live. You were planning to visit grandma, remember? But I guess if you already are this short-minded, why don't skip that visit and stay in your room doing nothing. I prefer that.**

Crap! How could I forget that! I am supposed to meet granny Haruno today! Gah, I am so stupid! I should hurry, because she doesn't like it when someone is late. Still got twenty minutes to go. And start!

And I rush down the stairs, eat a little again and do the rest I need to do. Such as doing my hair and stuff. "You're such an airhead, Sakura, you know that?" I speak to myself. I huff a little laugh. It's pathetic how I do right now.

Well, at Grandma's is the only place where I feel safer than at home. It's the only place where I can't get bullied. Plus, grandma always spoils me with too much sweets. The chocolate and candy is too addicting. Way too addicting.

**Maybe that is the reason why you're that fat. Pathetic, isn't it? Just like you said yourself.**

Ignore. Checking the time I see it is 11:48. I still got twelve minutes left. I can do this. It's a five minute walk to her house, so that makes a left of seven minutes. And I already ate, dressed and did my hair and make-up in nine minutes.. so the only things left are brushing my teeth and…

Nope. That was it! I let a grin come at my face. Nice going, Sakura! And now, in a hurry to grandma!

"Okay, grandma! Yeah I'll great Mom and Dad for you!" … "Yes, okay, bye!" I smile at her, wave and turn around. As I walk away, my head starts to feel filled again. Kurai's existence is there. That's one thing for sure.

**Tch, you really are stupid.**

Why? What did I do? I don't understand. While thinking I pass a few houses, greet a few people and children and focus myself on the way home, so that I don't get lost or burst into something or someone.

**You couldn't even resist the candies she offered you. What kind of weight loser are you?**

I.. She... I just couldn't ignore it! And you know that!

**Fine. Then we'll be skipping some snacks later this day, and after you have eaten dinner, you'll throw it up.**

F- fine. I'm sorry, Kurai. I shouldn't have taken the things she offered. I'm sorry. How do I throw up, exactly?

**Oh, you will shove your finger down your throat, and voilà, you'll puke. It's not that hard. **

Shove my finger down my throat? Not that hard? How will you know? Because I have never done this before, have I?

**That's right, you haven't. But I just know it. I know everything, remember? Don't worry. It won't be that hard. I promise, ha~ha.**

The way she laughed. It freaks the shit out of me. I hate it so much when she laughs like that. So if she is me, can I laugh like that too? I certainly don't hope so.

"…ura? Sakura? Hey!" I turn around at the voice of someone who calls my name. My hearts skips a beat already before I even saw who it was. "So it really is you!" the voice spoke when I turned around.

Sasuke.

Oh my gosh. Why him out of all the people on the Earth! Maybe he sees how fat I am! Shiiit, I shouldn't have eaten so much candy! Argh. I hate myself.

**And that is why you need to lose weight. He'll never like you if you stay this fat. Fatty. Maybe you're ever fatter than Chouji? Yeah, I guess you are. Look at those swimming tubes around your waist. Gross. Look at that tummy you got there, hanging all out, over your skirt. Gross.**

"Sakura? Are you alright?" asks Sasuke. What should I answer? Of course I am alright! Maybe he thinks I'm some sort of freak right now!?

**But you already are that some sort of freak in his eyes. **

"Oh, would you just hush it!" I snap. Sasuke let's go of my shoulder. Oh yeah, I grabbed my shoulder to turn me around. Then realization hit me. "No! I didn't mean it to you! I- no, I-!" Shit. If I didn't blow it already, I am totally done for now.

"To who then?" he asks, concerned but also a little scared with a taint of creepiness from me. Shit. He really does see me as that some sort of freak now. Oh gosh, I'm screwed.

"No.. no.. I mean, nobody. Just.. ignore it, haha." I let out a mischievous laugh. Gosh, that sounded so awkward. I hate myself. Good going, Sakura. With this way, you will surely earn points with Sasuke! Not. A little applause for you.

"Okay then," he says. Is he creeped out? Because I certainly don't blame him. "So, what were you doing?" He smiles.

He smiles.

_He smiles_.

Am I dead yet? He just showed his freaking smile to me. Doesn't he know how gorgeous he is when he smiles?! Don't faint now, Sakura. He'll leave you on the ground if you do. Don't faint now. Don't.

"I- uh, I was visiting my grandma just now." I tell him. Gahh! I can just slap myself! That is so lame to tell. Why in the world does he want to know that I just went to visit grandma!?

"Cute," he says.

D- did he just.. call me… cute? "Wha-?"

"That's cute, I said." He grins. "Ino never visits her grandma, even though I really like grandma's." What the fucking hell did he just say. Sorry for my language, but what the fucking hell?

"O- oh, she doesn't? But her grandma is so nice!" I speak out, and quickly hide my mouth. Shit, now he knows we have been friends in Junior High.

"Yeah, I know, I saw her once. You do know too?" He squirts his eyes. Huh? "Oh, right! You two used to be best friends, right? Now I remember."

Eh? He remembers? But I thought-… And Ino and I-… We never… Okay I'm lost. "How do you know?" I ask him. He was from the Junior High next door, if I remember correctly, right?

"Because I always saw you two together. When you were walking home from Junior High." He says and I nod. Ah, I see. That makes sense.

"Yeah we used to. But then we went to Middle School, Ino became popular, I did not, Ino got loads of friends, I did not. You know the story." I tell him, casually, like it doesn't care me.

But actually I do care. Deep down inside it hurts. It hurts so much.

"You sure?" he asks. I don't understand. Sure of what?

So I ask him, confused. "Sure of what?"

"That you are alright." He scratches his arm. Why does he scratch his arm? Woah, those are muscled and toned!

Focus, Sakura. "Yeah, totally," I say, a little too excited. Crap. Gave it away. Gotta brush it off. "Well then, I'm off. See you Monday at school again!" I say, cheery, and make my way to walk away.

"Uh, yeah.. See you Monday." he says, and I walk away. "Oh, and Sakura?" I stop. Slowly turning around, I take a glance at his face. "It will be alright." he says and smiles at me. I nod slowly and turn around again.

He smiled at me again.

I take one last glance behind me. He is still standing there. On that same spot.

He waves and smiles again. I get butterflies. I smile back and wave one last time too.

It makes me so happy. I turn around again and walk forth.

He smiled at me.

He smiled at me.

He smiled at me….

Right now, I might be the happiest girl walking on the Earth right now.

And all of that because he smiled at me.

And I guess you could say that his smile is the only thing that is still keeping me on the ground.

His smile kind of saves me.

His smile is the only thing that is keeping me alive.


	14. t h i r t e e n

_December 11th_

_Dear Yume,_

_how I despise Sundays. Nah, wait, I practically hate every day of the week._

_Oh yeah… I talked to Sasuke again, yesterday! I was so stupid there, and he was all aahhh (Yume, pretend angels singing here please) and I was all ugh (farty noise). I'm a fart compared to him. Well, I'm a fart compared to anyone, so that makes sense._

_Well, what to tell more.. I went to grandma's yesterday, on the way home is where I saw and talked to Sasuke. I know another fact of him now; he likes grandmas..._

_Gosh, that sounded stalker-ish._

_Maybe I should give up already. That's what Kurai keeps on saying too. 'Give up Sasuke', 'you can never get him,' blah, blah, blah. You know, the usual._

_Sasuke said Ino never takes him to her grandma. Maybe there is something wrong with her? The grandma, I mean. I always used to go there, together with Ino. But that's another story._

_Lately I haven't been sleeping well, by the way. It's like, four to five hours per night, sometimes three or two. It's not that I am on my phone or something, or that Kurai is bugging me all of the time, it's just that I can't find my rest. My head is too stuffed with thoughts. Well, Kurai is making me freaked out too, but not all of the time, like I said. She's actually helping me lose weight._

_And of course, he is in my mind too._

_Yesterday evening Dad had almost slapped me. Note: almost._

_I am so sick of him. Honestly, if I could and had the courage to walk away from home, I would do immediately. I swear. But then I think of letting Mom alone, if I go away. And maybe she'll break down then. Or not. I don't know. How should I know? She has been acting so weird lately.. Her eyes were hollow and blurry again this morning. I wish I knew what is going on in her mind, except of in my own. I am worried about her. Did Dad do something to her? If so, I would.._

_Yeah, what would I do about it? I can't do a thing, it's Dad I will be going up against if I want to do something. And I'll never win a fight with him._

_Well, we'll see what the day will give me._

_~Sakura_

* * *

School has almost been going on for half a year. The bullying has become worse this half year. I hate Ino. With all of me. With all the things she did to me, I can't remember, or even imagine, a day without her saying rude and awful things to me. They hurt me. She hurts me.

I hate Sundays. They're so boring. Plus I have to make homework.

Sighing, I stand up to take out my books from my schoolbag for the homework I have to make. Searching for my math books, I notice my calculator is not in my bag. That's weird, I was sure I had put it in my bag. Did I leave it at school? That's so stupid of me. Tch.

**You're stupid anyways, so what is the point in calling you stupid right now?**

"A lot of things, if you wanted to know." I huff. "Plus, I'm not the stupid one. You're the stupid one for still clinging onto me. Oh wait, you can't go on without me. I am you and you are me. What a shame."

Clenching my teeth, I stand up again and sit down behind my desk to make some math. Well then, then I should do it without calculator. If Mom and Dad didn't took my phone in, then I could have been using it now. Pitiful.

* * *

_December 12th_

_Dear Yume,_

_Today's Monday again. This morning I woke up with wet cheeks and red eyes. I guess I have been crying again in my sleep. I can't remember if I had a nightmare or not. I felt rested, though. Mom ignored me for some reason this morning. Dad was not around. Really strange, if you ask me. Mom acted like she did not even see me, nor hear me. I asked her a few things, but she didn't answer. She didn't even move when I wanted to make breakfast, and I asked if she wanted to move. Was this Dad's doing?_

_I'll figure it out. Someday. I hope._

_It's third period now, Homeroom. I know I shouldn't be writing to you, but Kurenai-sensei isn't that much of a fun teacher when it comes to these points. I rather have someone like Asuma-sensei to teach us some history, or Gai-sensei for gym.._

_Right.. Gymnastics.. That's today's fifth period. Shit. I hate gym. Not only because Ino will probably laugh at me of how hideous I look compared to her, but also because I can't do a thing when it comes to strength. I'm so weak, ugh. I could slap myself right now. But well, what can I do about it. It's not like I suddenly have or could become magically good in gym. Nope. That's not an option to me. I am never ever going to like gymnastics. Not in a million year that I am going t_

* * *

"Sakura! Are you listening?" I quickly look up to the front of the classroom. The whole class has turned to me, to look at me. I hate being looked at and being the center of attention. And Kurenai-sensei looks angry. Uh-oh…

"Uh, yeah, I was!" I exclaim a little too loud. I feel my cheeks heating up. A few of my classmates turn around again.

"Oh, really?"

"Uh, yes. I was writing down your notes, Kurenai-sensei." Uhm…

"Really? What was the last thing I said?" Crap.

"Wh- When the next annual event of the school is, and that we, as class, have to decide what to do."

"Hm, that is correct indeed." Kurenai-sensei looks amused and satisfied at my answer. Lucky me that my subconsciousness is spot-on.

The class gets a little noisy. I get a annoyed look from Ino, and I can hear a soft "Little miss know-it-all," and a grunt from her. Just like some other guys who said the same. I try my hardest to not let tears come up.

"But please, Sakura, next time, show some interest and attention to me, so that I don't have to question you again. Understood?" Kurenai-sensei gives me a meaningful look.

"Understood," I response and she turns around again to write something down on the blackboard again. Oh goodness, I only was this close to losing Yume to Kurenai-sensei.

* * *

_to like that pig. Ino-pig. My new nickname for her. You like it? Since she calls me Forehead all the time, I had thought of Pig, since she wants to lose weight and all, and thinks that she is fat. The only one who is fat here, is me. Not her. I would actually die to have a body like hers._

_But not the face. She can keep that one._

_Well, I'll focus myself again on Kurenai-sensei, she's glancing at me all the time now, and I don't want to you to be taken in by her. Plus, homeroom is already almost over. Bye-bye,_

_~Sakura_

* * *

And on that moment the bell rings, and we all pack stuff and leave the classroom and on to the fourth period, history by Asuma-sensei.

I simply follow all of my classmates, trying not to get too noticed by everyone, and keep myself small.

"Right, so talking about Asuma-sensei, he and Kurenai-sensei were seen yesterday, by some first grader." I look up. It was Ino-pig who was talking to the girls surrounding her. "I so think they have a little something-something going on between them, don't you guys do too?" she asks the followers. The accent she puts up is really annoying. It's like she wants to put her Japanese in a little American touch. Why does she do that? It's not funny and it sounds so ugly.

"Yeah, I think too! I saw him three days ago, so that is on Friday, buying these awesome and pretty flowers in some flower store. on the corner of the streets a few streets from here." A girl responded. Huh? Was that even good Japanese or is it just me? And did she just try to put up the same accent as Ino? This world shouldn't get any weirder.

"I knew it. They do have this little something-something going on. I mean, like, it's so obvious already. Why aren't they married yet? Like, Kurenai-sensei is a really pretty women, and Asuma-sensei isn't ugly. Far from that, in my opinion, to be honest, he's quite the hot teacher. Even hotter than Kakashi-sensei." Ino said. That accent gives me the creeps, and I shiver. "Forehead, are you listening in on us?" They have stopped walking and made me bump into them.

I look up. "Uh?"

"Oh, you heard damn right what I said. Are you listening in on us?" Her voice shrieks in my ear. It's like a witch is speaking.

**Give her some payback. You can do that, right?**

"It shouldn't be missed hearing or listening to you, while in the hope that I can ignore you." I say back, calmly, in the hope Kurai will stay calm too so that I don't have an explosion towards her.

"What do you mean, Forehead?" I want to slap her.

"You talk so loud, with that annoying voice of yours. It probably can be heard on the other side of the school too," I say, still staying calm. "Kurenai-sensei and Asuma-sensei probably heard it too, and are mad, angry or embarrassed right now. Probably mad and angry. And maybe Kakashi-sensei hear that too. I mean, your voice isn't to be missed. You're quite the loudmouth with that shrieking voice of you. But hey, not all of us are perfect, _Pig._" I beam back, calmly, emphasizing 'pig'.

"You ugly beast! How dare you talk to me like that?" Ino is acting like a queen right now.

"Oh," I say, "maybe Sasuke heard too how you think of Asuma-sensei and Kakashi-sensei as 'hot teachers'. Oh well, it's not my part to say anything about it. Maybe you should keep that shrieking and annoying loudmouth voice of yours a little down. But I have nothing to say about that, it's your choice after all, but if you say anything explicit like that again on a high school like this, you maybe want to talk a little more quiet. Bye~" I finish and walk away. All this time I maintained calm. But…

What the hell did I just do? That didn't make any sense at all!?

**That's true, but you stood up for yourself and made that Pig a little shorter, don't you think?**

Yeah, that's is probably true too.

**Good. Now hurry up to your next class, or you will get an even angrier Asuma-sensei on your nose.**

Hahah, I wonder what his reaction was on this conversation with the Pig and me. I even wonder if he actually heard it. Hah, otherwise I was just bluffing. It will do her good, though.

**It will her do good, alright. Really good. Nice job, Sakura.**

Walking into the classroom, I see Asuma-sensei standing there; arms crossed, angry look focused at the door.

And when everybody came in and took their seats, he takes a breath and let his voice roam through the classroom, "Everybody, hurry up. I'm not in a good mood, so shut up. Ino Yamanaka, I will speak you after class."

The class is so quiet you can hear everyone breathe. He looks satisfied with this, and with that, he starts class.


	15. f o u r t e e n

Shit. I should not have said that, back in the hallways. Why did I talk? What was I thinking?!

"Look, I- I said I'm sorry, o- okay?" I find myself in the situation again where Ino, together with Temari, has driven me into a corner, Tenten on the look-out for any teachers on the left, and Hinata for the look-out on the right.

"You just should've stopped talking when the moment I mentioned your name." My nickname, you mean. "But you didn't, you'll pay for this, _Forehead_." I flinch as she slaps the left side of my face. Immediately I bring my hand to my cheek and tears are coming up. I try to hold them back, but one leaves my eye.

"Ah, look at that, how cute," Temari says, pouting in front of me. "She's crying. Ino, maybe you slapped her too hard? Oh wait, maybe not hard enough. She only flinched and did not scream. Pathetic bitch," she brings her hand up and slaps the other side of my face. I let out a gasp, not wanting to scream how much it hurts.

Then Ino strokes my face. "Cute. But not cute enough. Did you know what you did to me?" she yells, pointing her finger in the air. "You gave me detention for two weeks! My dad is so not gonna like this! You'll feel what it is now to be scolded by a teacher." She grins, "Only it won't be by a teacher," her smile becomes mockingly, "it'll be by me." She takes my arm and makes a run for it, while holding my arm. She runs through one hallway, into the girls' washroom. Temari, Tenten and Hinata following her - or us.

"You bitch," says Temari as we all gathered into the washrooms. "You have no idea of how your words to Ino sounded and what you actually said, do you? You probably thought to be sturdy and all, but you were just being petty. Do you even know how sad that sounded? Probably not."

"I- I said I was sorry! Isn't that enough?" I try to say.

Ino fakes hurt. "Enough? Hah, girls, she thinks saying sorry is enough. How cute. Hinata, Tenten, go stand at the door for the look-out. Yell if you see any teachers approaching. Listen, _Forehead_," Why is she emphasizing forehead every time? "sorry isn't enough. Do you want to know why? Because you're pathetic. You're a null and nobody wants you. And do you know what we have to do with nobodies?" I shake my head. "Destroy. But that's a little too harsh, so you can get the mild version. Don't worry, we'll be good to you and your body. I think." she finishes and grins evilly.

"Be a good girl and stand still." Temari says, and is grinning evilly too. Why are there four of them and only one of me? I'm scared..

Then I notice that Kurai hasn't said a thing ever since the lesson of Asuma-sensei started, to the scene in the hallway, till now. That's strange. Most of the time she isn't scared to say a thing. Let alone be scared of anything.

"Look, _Forehead,_ why don't you just close your eyes, it'll all be over in a sec." She huffs a laugh. "Or longer, if you want to and if you aren't compatible with us. Your choice." She and Temari burst out in a little laughter.

Why is it always Ino and Temari that are bullying me. They are with the four of them, right? It's almost never Tenten. And Hinata has never bullied me. At least not with physical contact. Only with words.

While I'm drowned in my thoughts, I get an elbow pushed into my stomach and I cough, clenching my belly. Crap that hurts. It hurts so much.

"You stupid whore," another elbow in my stomache, "you should have shut you fucking mouth, isn't that clear already?" Now a knee in my stomache. It hurts more. I feel like I am going to cough up blood. I look at Ino. Why is she doing this to me? I feel so awful right now. Another slap in the face. No, it was more like a fist.

"Ino, Temari!" Tenten yells, and they stop doing things to me.

"Tsunade-sama is approaching!" Hinata yells at us –them.

The next seconds all happen quickly. Ino and Temari grab me and drag me into one of the toilets. Like a petal I fall to the ground.

Okay, bad comparison. I am nothing compared to a gorgeous and flawless flower petal.

**Try again. You're more like some pulp. People want you to drown but you can't drown. You only keep coming up. Why? Because you're too stubborn.**

Finally Kurai has made a noise and said some things. Rude things. Thanks Kurai, thanks a bunch. Because I really needed that.

Not.

**Oh yeah, and your insults and comebacks are totally nothing. You kinda deserved being this beaten up by them. It's quite a shame they didn't 'punish' you more.**

She clicks with her tongue. I hate her. But she is me.

"You stay here, Forehead," Temari says, closing the door and letting it fall into the lock. "You're locked up now, only so it won't be suspicious when Tsunade-sensei comes in. And shut your fucking mouth or we'll make you," she hisses and I hear footsteps coming closer from out of the washrooms. Ino, Temari, Tenten and Hinata start talking about boys, make-up, fashion and other girly stuffs. The door opens and they don't stop talking.

"Hello, Tsunade-sama," Hinata says, kindly. I guess she's the only one who has a heart.

**She has a heart, huh? So why does she bully you too?**

I don't know. But she is the nicest of them.

**You really think she is nice?**

I don't know. I think so yes. Somewhere I think she is very lonely. I hear her cousin, and our president, Neji is sort of trying to become their family's heir, while Hinata is the heiress to their family.

**So you actually feel pity for her? That's so sad, you know that?**

Like I care. I probably think the others are having a dark time too. They wanted to let their sorrows out on other people, weak and fragile. So they chose me. I was the only one who already was the closest to desperately trying to search for happy things, while I already knew I couldn't. I was the one who was the closest to already being weak and fragile, all because of my parents. But that is not what they knew or still know. They thought I always was like this.

**It's cute how you think they have this little spark of dark in them. Let me tell you a thing, forehead… it's true. Since I am the inner you, your mind and your vision, I know what they have been doing and why. It's like a connection from your mind, me, to their minds. But still, I don't feel pity for you. So don't go off, thinking like I am going to be careful with you, no.**

Okay then.

Hah, look at me. In the midst of being bullied and locked up in a toilet cabin, which I can unlock any moment now myself, expose my beaten self to Tsunade-sama – who is still talking to Ino and her girls-, and they should get suspended or I don't know, and I sit here, in this cabin, having all casually a conversation with Kurai. I'm such a mess.

The clicking of heels go to the door. They are from Tsunade-sama. "Girls, you should go to your next class. And by the way, if you see Sakura Haruno, tell her I want her in my office, pronto." Tsunade-sama says to them and then exits the washroom.

"Is she gone?" Tenten questions and someone walks to the door, opening it and probably looking for any sign of Tsunade-sama.

"Yep, she's gone." So it was Hinata who went to look.

"Open up, _Forehead_," screeches Ino. I unlock the door and she opens it roughly. "you heard the headmaster. You're lucky she came by, but the next time things will be different, remember that." She walks away to the door, and before opening it, she probably notices Temari, Hinata and Tenten not doing anything, because she snaps her fingers and they wake up or something, shaking their heads and following Ino. It was like they were under a spell or something.

Well, that doesn't matter now. I should fresh myself up a little and hurry to Tsunade-sama's office.

Thank you, Tsunade-sama!


End file.
